.MNSTR Files

“Yo Diega, wanna do burgers?” “Yeah.” “What are you doing?” “Hot or Not Yoga. I’m killin’ it. Wait, did you say burgers? What about Oochie’s Pizza?” “YEEEESSSS, oh my god,” whispered Estelle, through clenched teeth and throat. “I need some wasabi breadsticks or I am going. To. Die. Right. Here. On. The. Floor…Blood spasm.” “I… Read more: WHAAAAT…Chill Monsters 2.mnstr

“Whatever, Dad. You used to murder.” “We can’t help how we’re raised, only how we build on it. Why do you think you’ve never had to murder anyone?” “Cause it’s not the 1860’s.” “Yeah, it’s not the 1860’s and me and your mother never made you do it. We worked to give you what we… Read more: Vampires at Holiday World.mnstr

“Hey Diega, so is the Bermuda Triangle your mom or your dad?” asked Gary. “It’s complicated.” “Cool. You two are a trip, man. A grey and a triangle, uh, person. Roommates. Just livin’ like everyone else. Crazy thing.” “Don’t you have laser eyes or something?” asked Estelle. “You mean the Doom Gaze? It’s not lasers.… Read more: WHAAAAT…Chill Monsters.mnstr

he emerged from his game- day basement, eyes fraught with gloomy wonder of the final championship. outside the sun was blasting cancer beams and house music. this made bobby knight squint, frown with generation gap. knight strolled down the cul-de-sac with his lab, buckeye, till, through his tracksuit, he felt the fangs of the sun… Read more: deep house.mnstr

Job and god were playing handball against their apartment building. job told god he couldn’t use telekinesis, which made god sad because he couldn’t get his hands to grow past the size of a toddler’s. when god thought of this, his hands shrank to fetal. job was running the wall, making it rain aces and… Read more: Cheat Wink.MNSTR

The shapeshifter at Starbucks was of the cloud type. First, the baritone “double-tall Salted Caramel with Soy” came from a cloud of pond moss. By the time the woman with the knowledgeable aura and pale side braid marked the cup and announced the total, a credit card appeared from a mass of crystal and gold… Read more: The Shapeshifter at Starbucks.mnstr

Name: Clint ForteanDate of Birth: 02/10/1958Nationality: AmericanHeight: 6’2”Weight: 220 lbs.Hair color: BrownEye color: HazelRelatives: Martha Fortean (mother, deceased), Father unknownChildren: NoneLanguages: English, Spanish, IcelandicCurrent residence: Unknown (variable) It is unknown when or how Clint Fortean, the Bermuda Wolf, contracted his lycanthropic condition. Though Fortean has been described as a kind, yet somewhat despondent man by… Read more: Bermuda Wolf.mnstr

What most people don’t know is ghosts can still smell. Now, the easiest way to get a ghost to stop haunting your lawn is to spray a perfume—the more pungent, unique, and new the better—all over the spooky fucker, thick as mosquito fog. They’ll snap right out of their time loop shit and move on.… Read more: Ghost Smells.mnstr

indiana and the universe could no longer contain bobby knight…

The only way to defeat these demons is to become one. Don’t worry. This is the fun part…